Protect Your Boundaries for Stronger Relationships

Boundaries protect a person’s personal or mental space, like fences that give neighbors privacy and help them feel safe. Boundaries are the physical and emotional limits of appropriate behavior between people. They help define where one person ends and another begins. People often learn boundaries during childhood within their families, but not always.

Research has shown that in families with healthy, flexible boundaries, each person is able to develop into a distinct person with their own unique interests and skills. Having healthy boundaries gives them a sense of well-being, self-control, and self-esteem throughout their life. If people do not have the chance to learn how to set healthy boundaries as children, it can cause challenges for them as adults.

This article addresses healthy boundaries and how to set them.

 

What Are Boundaries?

Research suggests that families have three types of boundaries. Families with clear boundaries tend to function well. However, each family may shift between the three main types of boundaries:2

• Clear boundaries: Clear boundaries are directly stated, flexible, and adaptable. While there is warmth, support, and stability within the family, each member is able to be assertive, communicate their needs, and develop their own interests.
• Rigid boundaries: Rigid boundaries are closed and inflexible, much like a wall that does not let anything in or out. There is less engagement and more isolation both within the family and in the outside world. It can be more challenging for family members to communicate needs and express individuality when rigid boundaries are in place.
• Open boundaries: Open (also called diffuse) boundaries are not clear, and might even be fuzzy or loose. It can be hard for individual family members to have their needs met. Families with open boundaries can be enmeshed and show more codependency traits.

How Do You Know When a Boundary Has Been Crossed?

One of the quickest ways to determine if a boundary has been crossed is to ask yourself how you feel about a particular situation.

Pay attention to your instincts. Often, our bodies will respond before our minds when something about a situation feels “off” or unsafe.

If you feel emotionally uneasy or even get physical sensations like nausea, these can be signs that something about a situation has made you very uncomfortable.3

Examples of Boundaries

There are many different types of boundaries, including:

• Physical: This includes your body and personal space. Healthy boundaries include the autonomy of your body. An example of physical boundary crossing is teaching children to automatically hug relatives at family gatherings. This may cause them to have weaker physical boundaries. Offering a handshake or just a “hello” are polite alternatives.
• Intellectual/mental: This comprises your personal ideas, beliefs, and thoughts. A healthy boundary respects that others’ ideas may be different. These boundaries are crossed when someone is dismissive, belittling, or invalidating your ideas or thoughts.
• Emotional: Your feelings and personal details are part of emotional boundaries. These are crossed when feelings or personal information you have disclosed is belittled, minimized, or shared without your permission.
• Material/financial: Your boundaries for financial resources and belongings are crossed when you’re pressured to lend or give things away, or to spend or loan money when you would prefer not to.
• Time: When you have a job, relationships, children, or other responsibilities, it’s challenging to keep healthy time boundaries. These boundaries are crossed when you have unreasonable demands or requests of your time, or when you take on too much.

Here are some examples of what boundary setting can look like:

Physical boundaries:

• Telling your child that it’s OK if they do not feel comfortable hugging/kissing a relative they’ve only met once or twice
• Having certain days of the week or times of day when you do not have company at your house
• Requesting that your roommates ask permission before using your personal items or borrowing something from your room
• Making it a house rule that your kids have to ask for money rather than just taking it out of your wallet if they need it

Emotional and mental boundaries:

• Excusing yourself from the break room at work when the conversation turns to gossip
• Asking a professor for a different topic for an assignment because the one you have been given would be triggering (e.g., reading a short story about a woman dying of cancer when you just lost your mother to cancer)
• Telling your children that they are not allowed to use swear words when they talk to you because profanity makes you feel uncomfortable and disrespected
• Asking your partner not to discuss the intimate details of your relationship with their friends
• Telling your father that you are not comfortable talking to him while he is yelling and angry

Behavioral boundaries:

• Not giving your personal email out at work and not answering your work email when you are off the clock
• Making rules at home like no phones at the dinner table and always calling/texting if you’ll be late
• Asking your roommate not to go into your bedroom when you’re not home
• Letting your partner borrow your phone and not feeling worried that they’ll “snoop” on your photos, browsing history, email, etc.

 

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries can be thought of as stop signs in your life. Where you put your stop signs and what you consider “crossing the line” will vary based on your beliefs, values, cultural customs, and family traditions.3 Here are a few things to think about when you’re setting boundaries:5

• Goal-setting: Ask yourself questions like “What is the goal in setting a boundary or needing to set a boundary?”
• Start small: Setting boundaries can be hard and uncomfortable. The key is to start small and focus on one at a time.
• Be clear: Focus on what you want as clearly as possible.
• Practice: If thinking about setting a boundary makes you nervous, write out what you want to say beforehand or practice stating a boundary in the mirror.
• Keep it simple: Less is more with boundary setting. Try not to overload someone with too many details at first. Just pick the main thing that is bothering you and focus on that.

 

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries allow each person in a relationship or family to communicate their wants and needs, while also respecting the wants and needs of others.6

Healthy Boundaries

A few examples of a person exhibiting healthy boundaries include:

• Being able to say, “no,” and accept when someone else says “no”
• Being able to clearly communicate both wants and needs
• Honoring and respecting their own needs and the needs of others
• Respecting others’ values, beliefs, and opinions, even if they are different from one’s own
• Feeling free to disclose and share information where appropriate
• Flexibility without compromising yourself in an unhealthy way

Unhealthy Boundaries

Where there are unhealthy boundaries, safety in the relationship is compromised. This may lead to dysfunctional relationships, where people’s needs are not met.6

A few examples of a person exhibiting unhealthy boundaries include:

• Having a difficult time saying, “no”
• Having trouble accepting “no” from others
• Not clearly communicating one’s needs and wants
• Easily compromising personal values, beliefs, and opinions to satisfy others
• Being coercive or manipulative to get others to do something they don’t want to do
• Oversharing personal information

Unhealthy boundaries can quickly turn into abuse. Abuse—whether physical, sexual, or emotional—is a violation of boundaries.

People who have been abused as children may not know healthy boundaries. They often grow up with a lack of control over their personal, physical boundaries. The pattern may repeat with abusive partners because it’s familiar and comfortable.7 Even so, it is important to keep in mind that there is never an excuse for abuse, and if you experience abuse, it is never your fault.

 

Setting Relationship Boundaries

Setting boundaries in relationships is not about keeping others out; it’s about providing an environment where there’s a balance between the needs and wants of all the people who are involved. Setting boundaries with partners, parents, friends, and co-workers all present their own unique challenges.

Setting Boundaries With Partners

Setting boundaries with your partner helps maintain a healthy relationship that supports you both. It can also prevent a toxic relationship from developing. Here are some tips for setting boundaries in an intimate partnership:4

• Resist reactivity: Set the tone for the talk by being calm. If you’re angry, upset, and aggravated, it may trigger your partner to become reactive. Pick a time when you’re both relaxed and receptive to the conversation.
• Avoid “you” statements: It can sound accusatory and put your partner on the defensive if you start every sentence with, “You did x” or “You do y.” Think about your choice of words and use a calm, even tone.
• Put down the phone: Be fully present with your partner. Put your phones on silent or just flip them over for a few minutes so you can talk. Incoming messages and notifications can be tempting to check, but give your partner your full attention. If you do, they will be more likely to do the same.

Setting Boundaries With Parents

Studies have shown that addressing problems with parents can be stressful. Some suggestions for setting boundaries with parents include:9

• Be respectful: You have the power to set the tone for the conversation by being respectful. Think of it as an opportunity to come to them as a confident adult.
• Have the discussion: One study showed that when adult children took a passive approach of avoiding or accepting a problem with their parents, it increased their depression. Instead, sitting down and having a calm, rational discussion helps.9
• Stay cool and calm: Your parents may react or get upset during the conversation. While you cannot control the choices they make, you can control your own response to those actions. If you stay cool and calm, they may too.
• Keep it simple: Pick a small number of things to address, such as the one that is most bothering you, and focus on that.

Setting Boundaries With Friends

Some ways to set boundaries in friendships include:

• Setting the tone: Stay calm and be kind when communicating. This sets the standard for the conversation and will hopefully lead to positive outcomes.
• Avoiding “ghosting:” While it can be hard to deal with something directly, avoiding a friend with no explanation (ghosting them) prevents them from knowing what the issue is and deprives them of a chance to try to address it. Avoiding the issue means they cannot grow from the experience, and it does not give you the opportunity to practice setting healthy boundaries.
• Avoiding gossiping: While it can be tempting to discuss your friendship frustration with mutual friends, this can get back to your friend and potentially hurt them.

Setting Boundaries at Work

When it comes to setting limits with colleagues, managers, or supervisors, here are a few tips:

• Set boundaries for yourself: With telecommuting, teleworking, and the use of smartphones, the boundary between work and home has become increasingly blurred. Set a firm work “stop” time, close your computer, and take a break.
• Know who to reach out to: If you are having a problem with a colleague or manager and you cannot speak to them directly, look for guidance from your organization’s “chain of command,” usually through human resources (HR).
• Avoid gossiping: It can be tempting to discuss the problem with other colleagues, but this can backfire. It’s better to address the issue directly but calmly with the other person involved. If possible and appropriate, involve a manager or supervisor.

 

Boundary Exercises

When you set boundaries, you’re communicating to others how you want and expect to be treated. Here are a few exercises that can help when you feel tongue-tied:10

Use “I” statements

• I feel ______ when _____ is said to me.
• When this happens______, I feel_____.

When you feel disrespected:

• I don’t like the way I’m being spoken to right now.
• I would like to talk about this but now is not the right time.
• I would prefer to discuss this when we can be calmer about it.

Buy yourself some time:

• I’m not sure right now. Can I come to you once I’ve thought about it?
• I need more time to think, but I will get back to you.

When you want to say “no” with a little more explanation:

• I would love to, but my plate is really full right now.
• I would if I could, but I’m unable to help with that right now.
• I really appreciate the invitation, but I’m not interested in participating.

 

Summary

Boundaries are the limits of appropriate behavior between people. Personal boundaries define where one person ends and the other begins. Boundaries affect intimate relationships, families, and colleagues in a work environment. Setting relationship boundaries can be challenging, but boundaries ensure the relationship is healthy for everyone.

Setting boundaries is a key part of staying mentally healthy and maintaining positive relationships. You don’t have to do this work alone. It may be helpful for you and your loved ones to seek support and guidance on how to set boundaries from a mental health professional.